


The Last Goodbye

by pinkdiamonds



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-26
Updated: 2011-01-26
Packaged: 2017-10-15 02:34:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/156137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkdiamonds/pseuds/pinkdiamonds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A kiss from Jack forces Daniel on a journey of self discovery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last Goodbye

## The First Kiss/Jack

I honestly don’t know what made me do it.

I don’t even know when things changed for me. I just know they did.

Things didn’t start out so well between us. When I met Daniel, I was beyond fucked up and every fiber of my being was longing to surrender to the peace of death. The mission that brought us together was to be my last. It was my way out of life in a manner that would allow Sara to hold her head up and have some financial security. It was the only thing left I could do for the woman I’d spent so many years loving.

I was lean and mean, with so many dirty missions behind me I knew I was going straight to hell. Jaded, cynical, with a lifetime or two of hard living and knowledge. I was a husband, had been a father and was a fairly high-ranking military officer.

Daniel was just clueless. Innocence personified.

In a room filled with hardened military men and scientists who ate guys like Daniel for breakfast, he was obviously uncomfortable and ill at ease. His massive intellect and stubborn surety in that intellect set him apart. His intellect was the only thing he was sure of, the one thing he trusted.

And I was - - intrigued.

I never fully understood our friendship. I left him on Abydos knowing I’d made a friend and when he came back I was surprised at how quickly our friendship deepened. It seemed to me Daniel was the last person I’d let in so close. And Daniel. I didn’t know if he’d ever let anyone get so close.

We’d just had another trip through the Stargate, another mission where Daniel’s enthusiasm got the better of him. His enthusiasm and lack of caution, which were too often misunderstood and too often led to trouble of one kind or another, were beginning to grate on my nerves. One of us was always able to straighten things out but I was getting tired of the fear that gripped my body every time one of those fuck-ups happened.

The fear that, for me, was unusual. I’d always trusted Daniel and I knew he was good at his job, damned good.

I had some idea why over the last months whenever I stepped into the wormhole, my heart began pounding and my stomach was tied up in knots. It seemed to me that Daniel was more reckless since he’d found Sha’re hiding on Abydos. It was almost if he went through the gate if not actively looking for trouble, then not being as careful as I would’ve liked. Daniel, being Daniel, trouble usually found him.

My reaction was to be hyper-vigilant and I was driving the rest of my team nuts with my over caution. I was worried my unreasonable fear was going to get someone killed. I was even more worried Daniel’s enthusiasm and carelessness would get him killed.

The night we returned from our latest mission and most recent fuck up, I couldn’t sleep. I lay in bed all night, my mind replaying the day over and over. I created scenarios where things ended differently, badly. Where things ended with us carrying a badly injured or dead Daniel through the gate.

I gave up on sleep at 03:00 and spent some time looking at the stars. I watched the sun start to rise and then took a shower and shaved. By 06:30 I was in my truck and headed for Daniel’s apartment.

I didn’t give a crap if I dragged him out of bed. I needed to talk to him, to tell him he needed to be more careful, convince him somehow he had to stop thinking every new culture was a gift to be enjoyed. From my perspective, everything through the gate was a time bomb waiting to go off and usually in Daniel’s face.

It took five minutes of pounding on his door before he let me in, staring at me, sleepy and confused.

I walked in, anger radiating from every pore. “What the fuck did you think you were doing yesterday, Daniel?”

“Um, my job?”

“Is that what you call it when we’re disarmed, separated and you end up chained to a fuckin’ wall?”

“Jack, it was a simple misunderstanding and I fixed it.”

“What happens when you can’t fix it, Daniel? What happens when we run into people not willing to listen to you?”

“And you felt the need to tell me this at,” he paused, squinting at a clock, “7:00 AM? I’m going back to bed. Close the door on your way out.”

He turned to walk back to his bedroom. I grabbed his arm, forcing him back to me. “Don’t you fucking dare walk away from me, Daniel,” I snarled.

Still holding him, I dragged him up against me and into my arms and kissed him. It was no easy kiss, it was hard and forceful and angry. I forced my way into his mouth, my breath coming hard, my tongue stroking over his.

 

When I felt Daniel respond and kiss me back, I loosened my grip on him. I gentled my mouth and began rubbing my tongue slowly and rhythmically against his and I heard Daniel’s soft whimpers. Those whimpers were unbearably sexy, they went straight to my cock, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gotten so hard, so fast.

Moments later I felt his erection pressing against my body as he leaned into me, into the kiss, and his arms snaked their way around my body. Any hopes I’d had of hiding my throbbing hard on were gone. Plastered up against me there was no way Daniel could escape feeling my hard on pressing against his body.

As I fell into the kiss, Daniel struggled to free himself and I immediately let him go. I looked at his shocked face, his stunned eyes and I realized I’d been kissing Daniel, my best friend.

My married best friend.

I turned and left his apartment, slamming the door behind me. It wasn’t ‘til I was halfway home I realized something else.

I’d fallen in love with Daniel.

 

## The First Kiss/Daniel

I jumped when I heard my door slam. I staggered to my couch just before my knees gave out.

Jack kissed me.

He’d pounded on my door at an ungodly hour, yelled some, got mad, and then stuck his tongue in my mouth.

And I kissed him back.

He’d gotten hard for me.

I returned the favor and was still achingly hard.

I’d just cheated on my wife with the best friend I’d ever had.

I couldn’t understand why Jack kissed me. I couldn’t understand why I’d kissed him back.

I didn’t want to consider the implications of his arousal or mine. Yet the evidence of my arousal was still throbbing in my pajama bottoms.

Knowing I couldn’t leave things as they stood, I showered trying to ignore my erection and the reason for it. I intended on tracking down Jack in order to find out why he kissed me.

I let the hot water play over my tense body, my mind working at a feverish pitch.

Jack’s kiss and my reaction played again and again in my mind. His kiss had opened a door I’d never considered before. I’d kissed him back and then some because I was attracted.

I hadn’t let myself in on this secret.

I didn’t know what that said about me. I was married. My wife was somewhere, being tortured everyday and one kiss had me thinking of other possibilities.

I was angry at Jack, angry at myself.

My anger carried me to his door. His guilty eyes wouldn’t meet mine when he let me in.

I hadn’t even gotten all the way in when he began to apologize to me.

“Daniel, I’m sorry. Please, let’s just forget it.”

“Jack, I need to know why.”

He sighed as his hands scrubbed his face. “Daniel, I swear, this won’t be a problem. I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

“That still doesn’t tell me why, Jack.”

“I - - You know how I’ve been lately. A tad bit overprotective. I was angry when I came over this morning. All I wanted to do was to tell you to stop taking so many chances. I have no idea whatsoever why I kissed you. It just happened.”

Jack looked miserable. He looked as confused as I felt. “Jack, please. What’s really going on?”

“I think I’m having a mid-life crisis, Daniel. It’s the only explanation. But I seem to have. I seem to have - - fallen in love with you,” he said, his voice flat.

I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say, what to think or how to feel. My mouth opened but I had nothing.

“It won’t be a problem, Daniel. At least not for you. Nothing has to change.”

“I’m gonna go now, Jack.” I really didn’t know how to deal with this. I believed him when he said it wouldn’t be a problem. I knew exactly how disciplined Jack was and I knew he’d somehow put aside and ignore everything he was feeling. I worried how this would affect him.

I worried even more how this would affect me.

## The First Goodbye/The Second Kiss/Jack

After Daniel walked out on me, I spent the next two days eating my heart out over him, berating myself over my unconscionable behavior and worrying about Daniel.

I forced my feelings deep down and hoped like hell Daniel would be able to forgive me in time. I didn’t want to lose his friendship and I sure as hell didn’t want him on any other team.

The next workday we had a briefing scheduled for 09:00 and I made a point of getting to the briefing room early. I didn’t want Daniel uncomfortable in any way so I made sure to be seated before Daniel walked in.

When he finally walked in, he was his usual distracted self and acted as though the kiss never happened. I was perfectly fine with that.

When the briefing started I understood the reason for Daniel’s distraction. He’d identified writing from what he believed came from the original gate builders. With Teal’c on Daniel’s side, General Hammond gave SG1 a go in order to let Daniel figure out if the writing was meaning of life stuff or just squiggles.

I wanted to leave P3R-272 from practically the moment we got there. I gave logical reasons for leaving but the truth was some sixth sense was screaming danger at me.

Turns out my sixth sense was dead on accurate.

After I’d had the massive database downloaded in my brain, I could feel myself losing the ability to communicate bit by bit. For a while I understood most of what was going on around me but I was unable to make myself understood.

My ability to talk was the first thing to go. I was still able to write though and I knew I wanted to write Daniel a brief note just to tell him I loved him before I lost the ability to write. I didn’t think it was fair to tell him everything I felt or wanted, mostly because I didn’t think I was getting back from this one. Janet had made that clear.

While I lost the ability to communicate, lost the very thing that made me human, I had a long look at my life. I didn’t much like what I saw; a failed marriage, too many friends lost to time or death and the always-present guilt.

There were only two things I could rightly be proud of, my son Charlie, a bright shining star and Daniel. I lost Charlie because of my negligence and now I was going to have to give up Daniel. Daniel and my love for him were like a light in the darkness of my soul.

I didn’t want to die without telling him I loved him one time. The only time I’d admitted to Daniel how I felt, it was a confession dragged out of me, as though I had something to feel ashamed about.

I thought Daniel might love me just a little too and I didn’t want my death to be yet another burden he was forced to carry. I hoped he’d go forward knowing he was someone special and more worthy of love than most.

After I finished the design for the DHD and turned it over, I knew there was precious little time left. Fraiser had left and it was only me, Daniel, and a tiny window of time in which to try and let Daniel know my heart and my soul.

I scribbled the words I love you on a scrap of paper and handed it to him. Daniel said something after he’d read the note, but I was no longer capable of understanding him.

And then I did what I’d promised I wouldn’t.

I kissed him.

This was no kiss of passion or of longing or of wanting or of needing or even of anger. It was chaste, just my lips slanted over his, barely touching, but it said all I needed it to say.

It said goodbye.

## The First Goodbye/The Second Kiss/Daniel

I drove aimlessly for hours after I walked out on Jack. His reluctant confession confused me even more than his kiss had. Sex I could almost understand, love was the last thing I’d expected when I barged into his house looking for an explanation.

I was most confused about my own feelings. I knew if circumstances had been different I might have welcomed a relationship with Jack. My feelings for Jack were deeply ambiguous. I wouldn’t have kissed him back otherwise.

Although I loved her, my feelings for Sha’re were just as ambivalent. When Teal’c and I found her on Abydos with Kasuf, she’d been there for more than a season. They’d left the gate buried and made no attempt to contact me. Sha’re knew once she gave birth, Amaunet would awaken, yet she did not insist her father unbury the gate. She didn’t seek help from Earth or me.

When I discovered her, I could have insisted she come home immediately, yet I didn’t. Seeing her so heavily pregnant with another man’s child hit me hard. When she left Abydos with Apophis and looked directly at me without giving away my position, I wondered who had seen me; Sha’re or Amaunet. I thought after everything she’d been through, Sha’re’s feelings for me were equally ambivalent.

I wasn’t at all nervous when I went back to work. I trusted Jack and our friendship enough to know he wouldn’t say or do anything to make me uncomfortable.

When I got to my office and saw the images sent back two days ago from P3R-272, all thoughts of being uncomfortable in Jack’s presence flew out of my mind.

I was convinced the writing on the image was that of the race who’d built the Stargates. Coupled with the Rune, I knew we had to visit 272. The chance to find the gate builders or more of their technology was too important and could help in our fight to save our planet.

I made my pitch and General Hammond gave us a go. Of course it all turned to shit and it was Jack who was forced to pay the price.

We didn’t know until later that an alien database had been downloaded into Jack’s brain, a download that was overwriting his own brain functions and would kill him.

When General Hammond wanted SG1 to go to P9Q-281 to find help for Jack I had to refuse. Although I didn’t have the knowledge to fully understand what Jack was saying, I was the only one who could help him.

As he became more and more isolated from the rest of us, unable to communicate, I felt gut-wrenching pain for him.

When Jack gave me the note telling me he loved me, I could see that truth in his eyes.

I knew Jack was the best friend I’d ever had, knew he was the first person I turned to, looked for when I was in need, knew he was always there for me. When I was hurt it was instinct that made me call out for him, instinct that brought him to my side. I’d never looked at the reasons too closely; it’s just the way it was for me, for us.

I was forced to look now and I’d been shocked to find my feelings for Jack weren’t nearly as ambiguous as I’d thought. Complicated, complex and contradictory, yes. Ambiguous? Not even close.

I loved Jack. It took one kiss, only one, and the knowledge he was dying to understand I’d been falling in love with Jack for some time.

I told Jack I loved him but I knew he was no longer capable of understanding me.

When he kissed me, gently, softly, and with no heat, I knew he was saying goodbye.

## The Second Goodbye/Jack

I was more than surprised the Asgard sent me back. When I’d stepped through the gate, unable to understand anyone, I thought I was going to my death.

I got a good look at Daniel’s face and while I knew he understood I needed to do this on my own I saw he wanted to come with me. Would’ve come with me if I’d let him.

With no idea of where I was going and thinking the trip was one way, I couldn’t let him. If I was going to die, Daniel would’ve been alone and there was no way I could let that happen.

I told everyone I had no memories and that was almost the truth. I didn’t have any memories of the knowledge I’d been given. I did remember my note to Daniel and our gentle kiss goodbye.

I thought it was best for Daniel if I pretended not to remember those things.

Life went back to normal or at least what passed for normal at the SGC.

And that’s how things went for the next six months. Daniel still made me nervous with his overly friendly ways but he did try to curb his enthusiasm a little. He allowed me to threat assess before he went into peaceful explorer mode. I worked overtime to not let my fear or my over protectiveness show.

We continued our usual Friday night get togethers and our friendship went on as if I’d never kissed him, not once but twice now. I tried not to show him how pathetically grateful I was.

I’d done my best to force my feelings deep down but those feelings rose to the surface nearly every time I was alone with Daniel. The more time I spent with Daniel, the deeper I fell in love with him. I learned to hide it from him and anyone else who might be looking but there was no hiding it from myself. I spent my days in denial and my nights in an agony of wanting and needing.

At the end of a particularly busy two-month gating schedule, SG1 was given two weeks downtime. I’d been making plans. I intended courting Daniel. I didn’t know when or even if, we’d ever find his wife again and I wanted to be right there, in front of him, letting him take me for granted.

I hadn’t forgotten Daniel kissed me back and had gotten as hard as me, although it never came up in the one brief conversation we’d had.

I needed for Daniel know I was serious about him, that I wanted to spend time with him. For me it was about love. I was willing to wait, as long as it took but I wasn’t about to give up. I planned on taking him to a new exhibit at The Denver Art Museum and I was already trying to figure out which of the upcoming lectures Daniel would find the most interesting. I’d made reservations at the Briarhurst Manor Estate; a restaurant located in a beautiful mansion I knew Daniel wanted to see but hadn’t had the chance to get to yet.

Unfortunately, while I was dreaming up ways to spend the maximum amount of time with Daniel, he was making reservations on the earliest plane to South Dakota. When he came to ask for a ride to the airport, I did my level best to hide my disappointment.

I’m not sure how successful I was because Daniel patted my arm and assured me he was coming back.

I said goodbye to Daniel with a smile I was far from feeling. I wanted nothing more than to take Daniel in my arms and beg him to stay but I’d promised him my feelings would never be his problem. I watched him walk away from me. I watched him board the plane and I waited ‘til it had taken off.

He never looked back.

I went home and waited for him to come back to me.

It was all I could do  
.  


## The Second Goodbye/Daniel

Letting Jack go through the wormhole alone was one of the most difficult things I’d ever had to do. I thought he was going to his death and the thought of him dying alone was awful. But I knew in my gut Jack had to do this on his own.

Given that we didn’t know where he was going or what he would find, Jack was on his own without a GDO to guide him home as far as the SGC was concerned. I almost decided to take my chances with him no matter what my instincts told me but the long look he gave me before he entered the wormhole kept me silent and Earthbound.

When Jack made it home despite all odds, I was elated. He claimed to remember nothing and I hoped that was true. I didn’t want him to remember he’d written a note telling me he loved me or that I responded in kind or that he’d kissed me.

What good would it do? I was still married and conflicted. The guilt I was feeling mounted each day.

During the next six months, I tried to come to terms with what I was feeling.

Tried and failed. Again and again.

I couldn’t reconcile my feelings for Jack with being married, however unusual my marriage had been and was now.

I needed help and my thoughts turned to an old family friend and a woman I considered a second mother, Doctor Helena Byrnes. She had gone to school with my parents and had found me once I was out of the foster care system. We visited each other every so often and exchanged phone calls, e-mail and letters on a regular basis.

When she found me, she told me in no uncertain terms she’d tried to adopt me after my parents died. Nick wouldn’t sign me over to her, preferring to leave me to the not so tender mercies of the foster care system.

She’d never had children, claiming she would have made a loving but indifferent parent. I didn’t believe her for a minute. But the fact she’d wanted me and had tried to adopt me made me feel closer to her than any of my foster mothers on our first meeting. It wasn’t long before I loved her like a second mother.

Helena was head of the Anthropology Department at Northern State University in Aberdeen. Her special field of interest was Native American culture, in particular shamanistic practices. Proximity to several Reservations and the Black Hills, sacred to the Lakota Sioux, meant she’d spend her entire career at NSU.

Helena had an apartment in Aberdeen, close to the campus but her real home was on the South Dakota side of the Standing Rock Reservation. She’d married a member of the Lakota tribe years ago, had been widowed within five years of her marriage and had never given up the small home in which they’d spent much of their marriage. Helena now spent as much time on the Reservation as she could, not only studying shamanistic practices but also because she loved the people.

I’d gotten in touch with Helena when the guilt I was feeling had become overwhelming. It was either Helena or Mackenzie and Mackenzie was simply not an option. She listened to my problem knowing I couldn’t be completely honest with her but offering her advice anyway. Because I couldn’t tell her the complete truth, she didn’t see the problem from the same perspective I did. For Helena the answer was simple; divorce Sha’re and jump into Jack’s arms.

After weeks of listening to me over the phone, Helena finally invited me to visit her at my earliest opportunity telling me she had a way to help but refusing to let me in on the details. I had no alternative but to trust her, there was literally nowhere else for me to turn.

Jack was struggling, even more than I was. I could see his inner struggle with his feelings every time we were together, and I knew the cost was too high. In his effort to contain his feelings, he was shutting down and becoming more like the man I had met on the first trip through the gate.

I could see the disappointment in Jack’s eyes when I asked him for a ride to the airport and I tried not to add this disappointment to the ever-growing mountain of my guilt. I couldn’t give Jack what he was looking for right now. I needed to come to terms with his feelings and mine before I could even consider a relationship beyond friendship with him.

Jack saw me off at the airport and I felt his eyes boring into my back as I left him to board the plane. I refused to turn around, even to wave goodbye to him. What would have been the point? I wouldn’t give him any sign or hope I could return his feelings until I knew I could commit myself fully to him. Anything less would be unfair and Jack would end up hating me if I started something I couldn’t finish. I wasn’t willing to risk that, given I knew I felt more for Jack than friendship.

I grew more anxious the closer I got to Aberdeen. I was hoping some time away from Jack, the SGC, and the constant stress of immediately needed translations and gate travel would give me some perspective on things. That Helena had been so evasive about how she intended to help me added to my anxiety level.

Helena had told me she’d be waiting for me outside the terminal and true to her word, I saw her the moment I exited. Her faded red hair was pulled back into a long braid that hung half way down her back. She wore her usual jeans, denim shirt over a tee and hiking boots. I don’t recall ever seeing her in anything else. She’d been at my last, disastrous lecture dressed in nearly identical clothing.

Standing by her side was a tall man, dressed in jeans, a button down denim shirt and a black Stetson. His long hair was also braided in a single plait. Except for the differences in their height and coloring, Helena and the man she was standing with could have been related; beyond their clothing, they had the same air of easy confidence and upturned lips that looked ready to smile or laugh at anytime.

She rushed over to me and wrapped her arms tightly around me, her face buried in my chest as she roughly hugged me. “Daniel, it’s been far too long since you’ve come to see me.”

“I know, Helena. It’s hard for me to get away sometimes,” I told her, retuning her embrace. I left it at that though. She knew I was working with the military and couldn’t tell her anything other than that. There hadn’t been time to contact her when I first opened the gate and she spent the next year in a frantic search for me.

When I’d returned from Abydos I was forced to tell her I’d signed a non-disclosure statement and had been unable to contact her. She understood but made it clear to me she was unhappy. As an academic she felt an anthropologist had no business working for the military and she was royally pissed I hadn’t let her know I was alive. I made a point now of letting her know when I knew I’d be out of touch for days or weeks at a time.

When she reassured herself I was still whole, she let me go and turned to the man beside her. “Daniel, I’d like you to meet Joseph Whitehorse, my friend and the man who’ll be helping you with your problems.”

“Doctor Jackson, it’s a pleasure. Helena’s told me a lot about you,” he said, holding out his hand in greeting.

“Mr. Whitehorse, nice to meet you. Please, call me Daniel,” I replied, grasping his hand.

“Okay, Daniel. But only if you call me Joseph.”

I laughed in agreement, the first laugh I could remember in weeks. “So, Helena. When do I get to know what you’ve got planned for me?”

“”Joseph will explain it all over dinner tonight. We’re going to the res now and it’s a bit of a drive. Do you want to get anything to eat or drink first?”

“Well, I could use a cup of coffee,” I said, smiling. Helena had the same addiction to caffeine I did. We got our coffee and headed to Helena’s pickup.

Helena had never taken me to the reservation before. There’d never been time but I knew it was at least 150 miles away. The way Helena drove it shouldn’t take more than two hours. She was always a careful driver within city limits but put her on a throughway and she never went slower than 80 or 90 mph.

We reached the reservation in about two hours and we were drinking another cup of coffee within an hour. Helena showed me to her small guest room and I spent a few minutes washing up.

I joined Helena and Joseph in the kitchen where they outlined our dinner plans. Joseph’s wife, Mary had been cooking all day and expected us shortly. I didn’t want to be rude but I insisted they tell me now what their plans were for me.

Joseph turned to Helena and laughed. “We need to put Daniel out of his misery, Helena.”

“I suppose. Oh, alright, go ahead, Joseph.”

“Daniel, I’m going to lead you on a vision quest. Helena has explained to me that you’re facing a difficult decision and are confused about certain situations in your life.”

“I don’t know much about Native American culture but aren’t rituals like that restricted to members of your culture?” I asked.

“Usually, yes. But as Helena is a member of the tribe through marriage and she considers you a son, well, you can see where this is going.”

“Okay, what’s involved?”

“Tonight we’ll eat the wonderful meal my wife has prepared and tomorrow you will undergo the Hanble’ceya, which is a fasting ritual. I’ll be with you all day while you prepare for the Hanblecheyapi, the vision quest. You’ll be required to visit the sweat lodge where you’ll undergo purification rituals. I’ll also help you make a medicine bag.”

“Does fasting mean no coffee?”

“I’m afraid so, Daniel. The day after tomorrow, I’ll drive you to the Black Hills. There’s a cave that some of our people use for this purpose. I’ll set up camp nearby but out of the way while you have your vision quest.”

***

I spent the next day undergoing the purification rituals and fasting. Joseph explained that in addition to a continued fast, the vision quest required deep meditation for several days.

Between the fasting and the meditation by the third or fourth day, both my waking and sleeping dreams would start to take on meaning to help my with my confusion and the decision ahead of me.

Joseph told me how important it was for me to remember any person or animal that showed up and any conversation we may have. If I needed his help to interpret my visions every remembered detail would help him.

We left at 3:00 AM, a particularly difficult time of the day to face with no coffee. The drive to the Black Hills took around six hours and it took an additional two hours to get to the cave.

Joseph helped me gather enough wood to make a fire and keep it going for a few days, gave me two dozen smudge sticks made of herbs he said would help me focus, a sleeping bag and three canteens. He then left me alone although he would be in shouting distance should I need him.

And so I began to meditate, unsure of the outcome, unsure if a vision quest would work for me at all. I hadn’t grown up in this culture and studying a different culture was one thing, participating in their rituals expecting a particular outcome was something else entirely.

By the third day, I was dizzy but no longer hungry. I sat looking into the fire and burned some of the herbal bundles Joseph had given me. I was waiting for something to happen, waiting for my vision quest to begin.

Of course it had started days ago.

I heard a soft noise and the largest wolf I’d ever seen walked in to my small cave; he was massive with thick grey fur and paws the size of dinner plates.

I don’t know why I felt no fear. The wolf seemed more than a wolf and looked at me calmly, seeming to smile.

I remembered Joseph telling me the importance of any animal that showed up on a vision quest. I called him to my side and he padded over, put his paws on my chest and nuzzled my neck. He was so gentle and I was utterly unafraid.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a glowing light. I turned toward it and saw a ball of light from which tendrils of light waved. The tendrils disappeared into the ball and the ball itself began to shape itself into a woman.

“What is it you seek, Daniel Jackson?” she softly asked.

“”I’m not really sure. I have a choice to make and I’m confused.”

“Confused enough to undergo such a difficult ritual?”

“Apparently.”

“I shall ensure you receive the help you need, Daniel. Remember, truth fears no questions and be sure to examine what is said, not who speaks.”

Her hand pointed outside the cave and I rose to see what she was pointing at. I saw nothing and when I turned back to her, she had vanished as though she’d never been there. I looked again and I saw two people making their way up the steep path. As they neared I recognized my parents. Running to greet them I saw both their faces light up and they both began smiling.

“Mom, Dad,” I shouted.

“Daniel,” they answered, running the last few yards into my waiting arms. At the moment I didn’t care if they were figments of my imagination or hallucinations; all I knew was how glad I was they were with me.

As I began to lead them into the cave, the wolf moved to block them from entering. I moved in front of them trying to shield them.

“Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you. Go inside and sit down,” I told them.

I joined them and sat while the wolf made his way to me and laid his head in my lap. He whined at me until my hand settled in his fur to stroke him. “I guess we’ve passed inspection,” my father laughed.

With the wolf once again settled at my side, my parents and I sat around the roaring fire and my mother leaned over to caress my face. “Why so troubled, Daniel?”

I started to speak, telling my parents about the last years. I left nothing out, not my humiliation at my last lecture, not the Stargate, not the unexpected marriage I’d found myself in and not my feelings for Jack and how confused I was to have found myself falling in love with a man while still married.

“And what is it you expect to hear from us, son?” my father asked.

“I don’t know, Dad. That’s why I’m doing a vision quest. To find some answers.”

“Daniel, how can love ever be wrong?” my mother chimed in.

“I’m still married for one thing.” I’d thrown my hands in the air at this last statement and the wolf reacted. I’d been petting him during my conversation with my parents and he’d fallen asleep. Now, he growled and his oversized head nudged my leg demandingly. When I didn’t start petting him fast enough, he seized my hand in his mouth to let me know he wasn’t happy. He didn’t so much as leave a tooth mark; just let me know I needed to get back to work.

My mother grinned at the wolf’s antics and my father was lost in thought. He looked thoughtful for a while longer before he began to answer my last statement. I remembered that about him. He never did answer me impulsively, he always thought about exactly what he wanted to say to me. I didn’t appreciate that quality as a child but I did now.

“Daniel,” he began and then stopped.

“It’s okay, Dad. You can say whatever you want to me.”

He smiled and began again. “Daniel, let me make sure I’ve got this right. You got married not because you were in love but by accident and without knowing you got married. You stayed on Sha’re’s planet because you had nothing to come home to and you wanted to study a living culture that was dead on Earth. And you’d barely consummated your marriage when your wife was taken. So far, so good?”

I nodded; he’d gotten all the essential details correct so far.

“You came back to Earth and spend every moment you can looking for Sha’re, all the while putting your life in danger. Then you went back to Sha’re’s world where she’d been hiding for months without trying to contact you or, what did you call it? The Stargate Command? All the time, living without the comfort of family or friends other than the people you work with and living without love. Someone falls in love with you and you apparently have fallen in love with him and you’re confused. Have I gotten it right?”

“You doing good, Dad.”

“What is it that you’re confused about, son? I think you need to think about it a little bit more. Are you thinking about what will happen once you get Sha’re back? Or are you thinking if you let yourself be happy you’ll stop looking for her?”

My father had just put all my confusion and doubt into two very neat and concise questions for me. I hung my head to hide my tears and nodded.

My mother interrupted, “Before Sha’re was implanted would she have begrudged you your happiness?”

I thought about that for a moment and didn’t really know how to answer. The real answer was it depended. It depended if my happiness was in agreement with hers.

When I’d started to uncover the cartouche room and then the Stargate, Sha’re wasn’t exactly thrilled. When Jack had come back for me, I saw the fear in her eyes. All Sha’re wanted was to live a free life on Abydos. I once asked her to consider going back to Earth with me. She refused without any discussion. Anytime I brought it up or mentioned it, Sha’re would become cold, refusing to talk to me for days at a time. My mother saw the truth in my face.

I saw my parents exchange a glance and my father took up where he’d left off. “Daniel, surely you’ve questioned why Sha’re made no attempt to contact you when she returned to Abydos. Her father must have told her when you were due back, yet she waited until it was too late for you to help her. If you found her tomorrow, would you be content to live out your life on Abydos?”

He saw the truth in my eyes and asked one last question. “If you let yourself be happy with Jack, will you give up your search?”

“No! No,” I said. I had long since gotten over my guilt about unburying the gate. Apophis would have come with ships eventually if his Jaffa couldn’t get through the gate. It was exactly the point I‘d made to keep the Stargate up and running on Earth.

I knew I wouldn’t give up my search for Sha’re unless I was forced to. I would have looked for her and Skaara regardless if she were my wife or not. I owed it to the people of Abydos.

I also knew I would never be content living on Abydos. The SGC and the Stargate itself had opened a new world for me, one I wouldn’t willingly give up. Sha’re had made her feelings very clear about returning to Earth with me. After her experiences with Apophis I had no idea where she’d be happy if we ever managed to remove the Goa’uld from her body. She seemed happy enough when I discovered her on Abydos; happy enough that she didn’t seek my help.

I knew if we did get Sha’re back, I’d see her settled on Abydos with her family and I’d leave her and go back to the life I’d made without her. I wouldn’t be with her, I couldn’t.

The acknowledgement of what would happen if we ever found Sha’re freed something deep inside me. It was something I’d known for awhile, something I’d refused to acknowledge. It had been a poison working it’s way throughout my body for longer than I cared to think about.

I never wanted to look too closely at myself once I realized I didn’t WANT to make a life with Sha’re. It tainted all my relationships and stopped me from allowing anyone too close. Except Jack. The exception to everything else I may have felt or thought about my life.

It was always about Jack.

It’s been about Jack since the beginning.

My parents helped lead me to a truth I already knew, a truth I never wanted to let myself think about too closely. If I did acknowledge that truth, what would it say about me, about the kind of man I was?

I liked to think of myself as a bereaved husband fighting against the injustice thrown at me time and again. But that wasn’t the truth. It might have been once but the moment I realized Sha’re hid herself on Abydos, something inside me broke. And even that wasn’t the complete truth. I’d started moving away from Sha’re the moment I decided to excavate the cartouche room. Unburying the Stargate was one more necessary step in my long walk away from Sha’re and Abydos.

My parents stood and I joined them knowing our time was over. They each briefly hugged me, told me they loved me, and said goodbye.

I let them leave, difficult as was for me. I knew I was on a vision quest and they really hadn’t been with me but their love and acceptance of who I was and not who I showed the world had helped me face an ugly truth about myself.

I sat once again by the fire, the wolf still by my side. I’d half expected him to leave with my parents but he seemed content to stay with me.

I poked at the fire and threw some more kindling on it. I knew fire evoked deep racial memories but I never fully understood the power a fire could have until my time spent in this small cave. It was what separated me and kept me safe from the uncontrollable aspects of nature.

As I sat thinking, I felt a light touch on my shoulder. I jumped up while my wolf stood growling deep in his throat in front of me. Sha’re stood before me, dressed in elaborate robes, looking every inch an Egyptian queen, looking as I had last seen her on her way through the gate.

I managed to face her, startled as I was. She smiled, a small almost mocking smile, a smile that never reached her eyes.

“Daniel.”

The last time I had seen her she was on her way through the gate after she had looked directly at Teal’c and me where we crouched, hidden. “Are you Sha’re or Amaunet?”

“I have learned much from Amaunet just as she has learned much from me.”

“That doesn’t exactly answer my question.”

“No, Daniel, but it is the only answer I have to give you.”

“Why are you here?”

“Why are you?”

“I came to find an end to my confusion.”

“Confusion over the love you feel for O’Neill?”

“Yes.”

“Daniel, you have been confused about your feelings for O’Neill since the first time we met. Why else would you have risked all and unburied the Chappa’ai?”

I was unwilling to tell her the truth and just as unwilling to lie to her, so I said nothing.

“Daniel, I was a simple girl given by my father in marriage to an exciting stranger. A stranger I never understood. I am no longer that simple girl. If it is my permission you seek, you have it. Even if I were free of Amaunet, I have changed too much and so have you.”

“Why didn’t you insist Kasuf unbury the gate, Sha’re?”

“I did not wish to live on your world or among your people, Daniel. Nor did I wish to return to you.”

“I see.”

“Do you, Daniel? Then how is it you have not seen what has been in front of you all this time?”

I had no idea if she was talking about Jack, my own feelings regarding her or something else entirely. I started to answer her but she turned and walked away from me, fading with each step until she couldn’t be seen.

My wolf followed her, growling and snarling and baring his teeth. He stood at the top of the path searching and pawing the ground. I called him to me but he was reluctant to leave his sentry position.

I went back to the small cave and sat before the fire once more. I knew I was still deep in my vision quest; there was an air of unreality attached to my every action and the things that were happening could not have happened in normal reality.

I thought about the vision of Sha’re I had just met. She was unlike the girl I had married and unlike the woman I had helped give birth on Abydos several months ago. The woman I had just talked to was - - cold - - cold and unfeeling and so far above me as to be untouchable. I hated myself for conjuring such an ugly vision of Sha’re. I knew her pregnancy and lack of effort to reach me had hurt me, hurt me deeply; I had no idea I was so angry.

I was deep in thought and it took me several minutes to feel the presence of another person. When I finally noticed, I was unsurprised to see Jack.

“Whatcha doing, Daniel?”

“I’m trying to figure some stuff out.”

“Any luck?”

“Yeah, some. Mostly I’ve figured out I’m not a very nice person.”

“Why? Something the snakehead said?”

“Jack, she’s not a snakehead, she’s my wife.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Danny. If we can get rid of the fucking snake in her head, she’s your wife. Until then, she’s not.”

“Does this mean you’re tired of looking for her?”

“No, Daniel, it doesn’t. All it means is you’ve got to see things for how they are. We’ll keep looking. But how long are you gonna live alone?”

“Said the man with no agenda!”

“I’ve got an agenda alright, Daniel. And I’m prepared to wait for as long as it takes. Just thought you should know that.”

“I already knew, Jack.”

“Well, I’ll be going then. Care to walk me out?”

“Sure, Jack,” I said. I stood at the mouth of the cave and watched Jack walk down the same path my parents and Sha’re had walked. He turned once to wave and continued on his way. Halfway down the path, I saw his body change into that of the wolf who had been on this journey with me from the beginning.

It seemed fitting.

The wolf was nearly out of sight when a boy appeared at his side and the wolf stood on his hind legs as the boy hugged him. The wolf dropped down to all fours and the boy’s hand reached for his neck.

The boy had to be Jack’s son, Charlie.

Charlie turned to look at me, a big smile splitting his face. He waved and radiated joy before continuing down the path and out of my sight.

I stayed there for long minutes to make sure they weren’t coming back. Seeing the wolf and Charlie together, as I had never seen Jack and Charlie together moved me to tears.

In this place anything was possible and I felt as though I’d been given a precious gift of incalculable value.

I wondered aimlessly back to the cave. The woman I’d first seen was waiting for me.

“Daniel, if you don’t change direction, you will end up where you are going,” she said, as she slowly changed into a ball of light and then faded completely.

I tried to puzzle out what she’d said and what it could mean but I was far too tired to glean any understanding from her cryptic statement. I finally gave in to my exhaustion and fell asleep.

I awoke to the combined odors of coffee, eggs and vegetable soup. I dragged my eyes open and saw Joseph sitting quietly, waiting for me to awaken.

He handed me a mug of soup and a mug of coffee, which I took gratefully. I drank my soup and then my coffee without saying a word to Joseph. He respected my silence while he scrambled four eggs for me.

I was busy thinking of all I had learned on my vision quest. I felt less confused but not much closer to a decision about Jack. I knew with certainty I loved him and wanted him but I still didn’t know if I could allow myself to have a relationship with him.

My vision quest had taught me my decision about Sha’re had been made years before. While I accepted that decision, I wasn’t happy with what it said about me. Until we found her, she would be part of any relationship I had. I wanted Jack but I wanted him with no barriers and no obstacles.

Joseph handed me my eggs and I ate them, still silent and deep in thought.

I understood everything that happened on my vision quest except for the woman. I understood why I’d seen my parents, Sha’re and Jack but I had no explanation for the woman or the last thing she’d told me.

I asked Joseph about her and he paled slightly. “She is known as Grandmother to my people. It’s said that she guides the greatest among my people. For her to have shown herself to you, Daniel - - is extraordinary.”

I told Joseph about her last statement and asked what he though it meant.

“I’m not so sure it means anything, Daniel. Think about it; even if you do change directions, you’ll still end up where you’re going.

The one known as Grandmother often talks in riddles. The ones who have seen her say she provides powerful spiritual help but often makes no sense.”

I helped Joseph clean up breakfast and put out the fire. I gathered my sleeping bag and canteens and we hiked back to his pick-up.

I slept most of the way back, my dreams strange and disjointed. We arrived back at the Reservation to find Helena had cooked us a welcome home dinner.

I could see her eyes questioning me. I reached across the table and took her hand. Her green eyes immediately softened as she looked at me. “Thank you, Helena. You too, Joseph. Thank you for arranging the vision quest and for being there when I needed you.”

“Was it helpful, Daniel?”

“Actually, it was. I feel - - free.” There were many other emotions I felt but free was a good word. I still had obligations and guilt but I knew whatever the outcome of my search for Sha’re, I would be free at the end of it.

As I answered Helena, I realized my decision was made; I felt free to love Jack and free to build a life that was of my choosing. Loving Jack wouldn’t be without obstacles but when has life ever been easy for me? Knowing I was going home to be with Jack was a heady feeling.

I called and changed my plane tickets so I would have three days to spend with Jack. I spent the rest of my vacation time getting to know the people that meant so much to Helena. We spent many hours discussing her work since mine was off limits.

Helena was curious about Jack and I was happy to tell her all about him. I told her about our deep friendship and our long, slow slide into love. I told her a little about his life and the losses he’d suffered and how he’d become the strong, noble man I’d fallen in love with.

I didn’t share the details of my vision quest with her and for once she didn’t push me. I was beginning to accept what I’d learned about myself but it didn’t make it any easier to know at my core I was as selfish as the next person.

Jack was always in my thoughts.

It still hurt knowing what I wanted from Jack would be my biggest and last betrayal of Sha’re and our marriage. But I accepted it, knowing if I wanted Jack there would be pain involved.

All too soon, it was time for me to go back home.

As Helena was hugging me goodbye, she asked, “When do I get to meet Jack?”

I blushed, hoping I wasn’t so transparent to anyone else. “Soon, Helena. As soon as I work things out with him.”

“I’m holding you to that, Daniel,” Helena told me, giving me one last hug.

***

## The Last Goodbye/Jack

When Daniel called asking to be picked up from the airport three days early, I was elated. I’d spent my downtime catching up on much needed repair work around my house and chores that I’d put off for far too long. I tried not to miss Daniel but I gave up and just accepted I was lonely without him.

I called and sweet-talked my way into another reservation at the Briarhurst Manor Estate. I planned on having at least one romantic dinner with Daniel even if I would be the only person at the table who knew it.

When I picked Daniel up at the airport, he looked well rested and more settled than he had for some time. When he saw me, he graced me with the type of smile I hadn’t seen in quite some time. That smile nearly stopped my heart.

“Hey, Jack.”

“Daniel. Good vacation?”

‘”I’ll tell you all about it over a beer.”

“A beer, Daniel?”

“Yeah, Jack. I feel like living dangerously.”

“So, my house I take it.”

“Sounds good to me.”

The drive home was filled with small talk. It never took us long to fall into our old, established roles. Daniel made it easy.

Which was why I was shocked that the moment my front door was closed Daniel launched himself into my arms. His tongue was in my mouth and down my throat before I even put my keys down.

With some difficulty, I wrenched my lips from his and took a step back. “Uh, Daniel, you want to tell me what’s going on here?” I asked, in as reasonable a tone as my stuttering heart would allow.

“I’ve made some decisions, Jack.”

“You wanna let me in on them?”

Daniel’s mouth was now busy at my throat while his hands were sneaking their way up my tee shirt. “Kinda thought I was letting you in on them, Jack.”

“You don’t want to talk about this, then?”

“Not so much. I’d really rather go to bed now. We can talk later.” And with that his lips found mine again.

Having Daniel in my arms, kissing me was everything I’d wanted for months and I wasn’t prepared to question his change of mind or my luck. My brain had pretty much headed south and it felt too fucking good to stop.

We staggered to my bedroom, Daniel touching me wherever he could reach every step of the way. When we reached the bedroom, we stripped quickly and we were both naked and hard by the time we hit the bed.

We fell, all tangled arms and legs, touching and stroking, his touch and mine, strong and sure. I didn’t know where he started and I ended.

Daniel got me on my back, his strong hands and arms pressing my shoulders into the bed while he covered my body with his. The heat and pleasure were blistering.

His mouth was busy licking and kissing its way up and down my body. I felt sharp spikes of pleasure with every swipe of his tongue or gentle bite.

I wanted to reciprocate but Daniel was insistent on having his wicked way with me. I decided to lay back and enjoy, knowing I’d get my turn soon enough. I was so hard I was afraid I’d come the second Daniel wrapped his hand around my throbbing cock.

Daniel grabbed a pillow, impatiently demanding I lift my hips for him.

His mouth was like liquid fire up and down my body, scraping my nipples to aching hardness. I held his head and pressed his mouth closer. I felt him laughing as I moaned. My body was twisting in ecstasy, begging for his touch and needing the wet heat of his mouth.

He flipped me over on to my stomach, sucking each knob of my spine, taking the time to taste me.

He spread me and began licking my hole, taking small nips every now and then. I pushed my ass into his face wanting to feel his tongue inside me.

It had been so long since anyone had done this for me and my body had forgotten just how fucking good it felt.

Daniel worked his tongue in so deep I didn’t understand how he was still breathing. I’d lost the ability for coherent thought or speech; all I could do was feel.

Daniel flipped me over again and went to work on my balls, sucking first one and then the other into his mouth and then licking them.

I was aching with the need to come, sweating and trembling and groaning and writhing under the onslaught of his mouth. I didn’t think this could get any better when he took my swollen cock into his mouth.

In one long, slow glide, Daniel swallowed me and I started to fuck his mouth. He’d wound me up so tight, I couldn’t have stopped if I wanted to.

With my balls drawn tightly against my body, I thrust into Daniel’s mouth for long minutes before I exploded down his throat. I felt him swallowing what I’d given him and I just lay back panting and riding out the aftershocks thrumming along every nerve ending I had.

I felt Daniel move to take me in his arms, felt his erection pressing up against me and tried to get it together to do for him what he’d just done for me.

He let me catch my breath before leaning over for a long, lingering kiss.

I’d gotten some coordination and strength back by this point, enough so I could pin him down on his back.

I heard him whimper the moment my hands touched him and didn’t think he could take much teasing. I wanted to explore his body, drawing out his pleasure and mine but I knew how hot it got me to make someone fall apart as completely as I’d just fallen apart. Looking at Daniel, I knew he was right on the edge.

Knowing we had the rest of the afternoon and all night to make love, I decided we would have plenty of time later to play and take things slow. I grabbed the lube from the drawer of my nightstand wanting to give him as much pleasure as possible.

Daniel’s cock looked ready to go off any moment. It was hot and swollen and I could feel the throb of blood beneath my hand when I touched him.

Slicking my fingers while watching Daniel’s head thrashing on my pillows put a smile on my face and jumpstarted my cock, something that should not have been possible after the way my brain just got sucked out through my cock.

I lowered my head and tasted him, the rich scent of his arousal making me dizzy.

He moaned my name and thrust his hips up, seeking the heat of my mouth. I gave him what he wanted.

I took Daniel into my mouth, a fraction at a time keeping my tongue away from the head of his cock. I pushed a finger into him just as slowly, waiting for him to rock back onto me.

When he did, I added a second finger and began to fuck him, taking his cock down my throat.

I angled my fingers, found his prostate and started to suck him good and hard, scraping his prostate with every stroke.

Daniel’s whole body was quivering and straining as he held off coming, the sweat pouring off of him. He slammed his body down on to my fingers and then into my mouth until he could hold off no longer.

And then it was Daniel’s turn to fly.

I let go of his cock only after his muscles around my fingers stopped their spasms and fluttering.

We didn’t get much sleep that night as we made love long and slow, lingering at each pleasure.

It was nearly dawn before we fell asleep wrapped around each other and I couldn’t remember being happier.

Daniel and I stole every minute we could to be together over the next six weeks. It didn’t matter if we were off world or at the base or his apartment or my house. Just as long as we were together.

We spent a lot of our time in bed, making love and learning each other’s bodies. The days when we couldn’t touch were difficult for the both of us. If we weren’t making love we would lie in bed holding each other and talking. He told me the bare bones of what happened during his vision quest. Daniel was still coming to terms with his awareness of what he did and did not want from both me and Sha’re.

Our feelings deepened the more time we spent together but I sensed Daniel was holding some part of himself from me. I didn’t push knowing there was still guilt on his part that he’d fallen in love with me while he was married. The vision quest had shaken his faith in himself and shown him a person he wasn’t quite sure he knew how to be.

Daniel wouldn’t be Daniel if he didn’t struggle with this self-knowledge. Daniel always strove to be the best person he could be, to examine his feelings and take the high moral ground when and where he could. It was part of the reason I loved him so much. In his quest to be a better man he forced me to be a better man.

With the exception of the brief time I was lucky enough to have had Charlie, it was the best six weeks I could recall.

And then we found Sha’re again.

And once again, Daniel and I were saying goodbye.

## The Last Goodbye/Daniel

I could hardly wait to see Jack. Now that I’d made a decision, I wanted everything I’d denied myself for so long.

I was tired of waiting, tired of being alone, tired of denying who and what I was. I wanted it all or as much as I could get.

I wanted Jack in my life, in my bed and in my arms. I didn’t even give a shit what that said about me. I thought I could separate and keep my guilt away from my relationship with Jack. I didn’t want my guilt to touch him or us. If it touched me, well it was no more than I deserved.

I saw Jack’s face light up when he saw me and I knew how badly he’d been hurting over the last six months. I hurt him and he hurt himself by disregarding his feelings for me. That he did it for my benefit made it worse. I couldn’t change any of it but I intended on making it up to him the second I got him alone.

I purposely hadn’t let myself think about making love with Jack. If I’d let myself go down that path, I would’ve been walking around with a constant and unmistakable hard on. Just thinking about the kiss Jack gave me had been enough to get me hard over the last six months. Even when that was the last thing I wanted.

On the ride to Jack’s house I finally allowed myself to think about getting naked and sweaty with Jack. Remembering the feel of his hard heated length against me had me thinking of taking that hard length into my mouth, stroking it and having it enter my body. Predictably, my cock took notice of my thoughts and my jeans were suddenly tight.

I launched myself at Jack the second his front door was closed.

I gave in to what I’d wanted for so long without even knowing it.

It was harsh and hot and fast. And then, so slow and easy it felt as though we’d stepped out of time.

Jack liked to take his time, savoring every touch, every sensation, drawing it out till he’d wrung out every ounce of pleasure. I willingly followed where he led.

I was happier over the next six weeks than I’d ever been. I’d never made love so often or with such intensity. It didn’t matter what we were doing, it felt like we were making love.

Jack was happy also and let me know in a hundred different ways every day and always on the nights we weren’t off world when he loved me with his body and allowed me to love him back.

I tried to show him how much I loved him because I couldn’t say the words. I wanted to, everyday, but I couldn’t. I think he knew I loved him and he never let a day pass without saying he loved me.

I was afraid to tell him and I think he got that and just accepted it.

There were just too many things holding me back and I was afraid of losing Jack if I said how I felt out loud.

And then we found Sha’re.

Before Teal’c was forced to kill her, she’d sent me her message and her goodbye through the ribbon device.

And all my guilt and insecurities and old demons landed on me hard and from a great height.

Without talking to Jack, I’d arranged to have some time off after the funeral to spend on Abydos.

It was time for me to put the past where it belonged and I couldn’t do that on Earth. I needed to talk to Kasuf and say goodbye to Sha’re and the life I hadn’t wanted.

Jack found me after we buried Sha’re to see how I was doing. His hand stroked my face and I could see the questions in his eyes.

I didn’t want to tell him, didn’t want to hurt him but I knew I had to.

“Jack, I’m gonna be staying on Abydos for a couple of weeks.”

“Okay. I’m sure Hammond would let me stay with you.”

“No, Jack. I have to do this alone.” The flash of pain in his eyes was brief and quickly hidden. If I hadn’t been looking I would have missed it. But I was looking and I hated that once again I was responsible for hurting Jack.

He made an effort and pretended he wasn’t hurt. In that moment I loved him so much I couldn’t speak.

I reached for him and kissed him and let my kiss say what I couldn’t.

I didn’t walk back to the gate to see anyone off. Instead I wandered around Nagada stopping every so often to talk.

I found my father-in-law surrounded by close friends and distant relatives eating and drinking. For the first time I wondered why he’d never remarried after Sha’re and Skaara’s mother died.

I joined the feast, determined to talk to Kasuf privately as soon as I could. I knew from experience funeral feasts could go on nearly as long as wedding celebrations and there was just as much alcohol consumed.

It was two days before I was able to talk to Kasuf. The funeral feast was still going on and the noise of it bled into his private living area.

I hardly knew where to start. “Good Father, I need to know why Sha’re didn’t get in touch with me when she was pregnant and came back to you.”

“But, Good Son, my daughter told me you knew and did not want her any longer. She said you’d made a new life with O’Neill.” He looked around as though searching for Jack and only now realized he wasn’t here.

I didn’t know how to explain the vastness of the galaxy to this good man. He had no point of reference, couldn’t conceive that both Sha’re and I could go through the Chappa’ai and never see each other except by astronomical chance.

“Did you tell her I when I was due back?”

“I did. She begged me to leave the Chappa’ai buried.”

“If you believed I’d left Sha’re why didn’t you?”

“Daniel, I knew you would keep your word and return to us. I thought I could change your mind about Sha’re. I did not want her shamed.”

“You believed I’d left her for O’Neill?”

“Did you learn nothing living among us, Daniel? We are men and can do as we please. A woman must do as she is told, by her father or by her husband. You would not be the first man to prefer the companionship of a man to that of a woman. There is no shame in that for a woman unless her husband discards her.”

“That is not the way of things where I come from.”

“We are not where you come from, Daniel. We are here.”

“Kasuf, why do you give Sha’re to me? Why me? Why not one of the other men?”

“I thought to honor you, Daniel. In truth, Sha’re was a headstrong girl who needed a kind but firm hand. I thought you would provide her with that. You and your people were as gods to us. I have come to regret that decision.”

“Because you thought I’d left Sha’re for O’Neill?”

“No, because I knew Sha’re well enough to have known she would not have been happy with one such as you.”

“One such as me?”

“Daniel, you are a man who is not content to live an ordinary life. We are a simple people who live simple lives.”

“Sha’re was right you know. I did leave her for O’Neill. But it only just happened.”

“Why is he not here with you?”

“I have dishonored Sha’re enough. I didn’t want to force my lover on you while you were mourning Sha’re.”

“Do you love O’Neill?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then there can be no dishonor. Did he not want to be with you?”

“He did. I sent him home.”

“You still have much to learn, Daniel. Why do you hurt the one you love?”

“I was trying not to cause you pain, Kasuf.”

“Daniel, you are as a son to me. My daughter is lost to me as is Skaara. You are all that I have left. It would not cause me pain to share in your happiness.”

“We won’t stop searching for Skaara. I tried to find Sha’re and bring her back to you.”

“Sha’re found her own way home. We had time together and I’m grateful for that. I may not get such time with my son. I know you will do what you can.”

“Kasuf, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt Sha’re or you.”

“You were not the one who hurt us, Daniel. Before you came we knew no other way.”

“No, I meant - - O’Neill.”

“There is no need to apologize. We don’t always choose where our hearts may lead us.”

“I did choose though. It wasn’t an easy choice but it was my choice.”

“If you are with O’Neill, then I would say you made a wise decision. Be happy, Daniel, as happy as you can be. Do not let what has happened here ruin your life.”

I didn’t want to tell Kasuf about the guilt that had weighed me down or of the happiness I’d found with Jack. It didn’t seem right. I was trying to gather my thoughts when Adjo entered the room.

I remembered Adjo from my time on Abydos even though I’d very quickly become obsessed with the cartouche room to the exclusion of nearly everything else.

Kasuf looked at me very deliberately as he reached his hand up to twine his fingers with Adjo. Adjo’s eyes softened and he leaned over to brush his lips against Kasuf’s.

Oh.

Kasuf’s eyes sparkled and I had my answer as to why he’d never remarried and why he’d believed Sha’re. She knew just what buttons to push and Kasuf hadn’t had any reason to question anything she might have said to him.

Kasuf and Adjo returned to the feast while I thought of all I had learned. I supposed Kasuf had given me his blessing and it went a long way in lifting the heavy burden of guilt.

I missed Jack and I wished he were with me. I couldn’t think of a reason to request his presence though. At least not one that would sound feasible.

I was obligated to stay for the entirety of the funeral feast. It would be my final duty as Sha’re’s husband and I wouldn’t shirk it no matter how badly I missed Jack.

I rejoined the feast until I could no longer keep my eyes open. Kasuf had given me Skaara’s sleeping space rather than the one I’d shared with Sha’re. I was thankful I wouldn’t have to sleep surrounded by memories.

I was awoken by a large hand stroking my back. It took me some time to remember where I was and why the familiar touch was out of place.

I rolled over and saw Jack smiling down at me.

“Hey,” he said. “We got a message that you needed a friend to help you get through the funeral feast. I nearly had to slug Carter before I pulled rank on her.”

“What about Teal’c?” I asked, smiling.

“Ha, the message came when he was doing his Kel’no’reem. Good thing also. I don’t think I could have taken him.”

“I’m glad you’re here, Jack. I missed you.”

Jack stretched his long body next to mind and took me in his arms. “I missed you too, Daniel. No more goodbyes, Daniel. I’m serious. I don’t think I could stand anymore goodbyes.”

Jack was a proud man and I saw what those words cost him. They were said simply, without any heat but I saw that he meant them. He loved me and wouldn’t allow me to run anymore. Not unless I was running to him. I would lose him if I kept running away from him.

“No more goodbyes, Jack. This was the last one, I promise.”

“Be very sure, Daniel, cause I’m never letting you get away again.”

“I love you, Jack,” I said easily, no longer wanting or needing to hold back.

When I saw the happiness in Jack’s face I was glad I’d finally told him. I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve Jack and I promised myself to put that look on his face everyday we had together.

He took me in his arms, kissing me and biting at my lips. We had only been apart for a few days but I could feel his need, feel his emotions looking for an outlet.

I moved the light blanket covering my body and urged Jack between my legs. His clothing felt like sandpaper against my nudity, abrading my sensitive skin. It was unbelievably erotic and the erection I’d woken with got harder and more insistent.

Jack moved off of me to quickly strip and get something from his pack. I laughed when I saw what it was.

“How’d you manage to smuggle lube?”

“They weren’t exactly checking, Daniel. It’s not like this is a mission.”

“Got any plans for that lube, Jack?”

“I’m sure something will come to mind.”

“”I love how your mind works, Jack. Come over here and show me how the rest of you works.”

“My pleasure, Daniel. And yours.”

I wanted to feel Jack inside me. I’d missed him so much it had been a physical ache. I needed him to possess me, to take me and brand me.

I lay on my back and wrapped my legs around Jack’s waist, thrusting into him the way he liked.

Sensing my mood, Jack prepared me and was soon slowly sliding into me. The slow slide of his flesh and the look on his sweating, straining face were forcing needy groans from me.

I knew I wouldn’t be happy until I felt the rasp of his balls against my ass and heard the slap of flesh against flesh.

I wanted to lose control and make Jack lose control also.

I began begging Jack to fuck me, sobbing my need and he started to gently thrust into me.

Tiny, maddening thrusts that stroked into my prostate sending wave after wave of pleasure throughout my body.

And then he began to talk to me.

“Christ, Daniel. You’re so fucking tight. You feel so good wrapped around my cock. I’m gonna fuck you so hard.”

His thrusts increased in speed as he pulled himself nearly all the way out before slamming back into me.

Jack’s low, raspy voice, filthy words and the hitches in his breath were driving me crazy.

His hips continued their relentless drive into me, sweat pouring from him onto me and I ached with the need to come.

I reached for my cock and gripped myself tightly, stroking and pulling. Head thrashing, moaning Jack’s name, I felt my world reduced to my ass, my balls and my cock. And then I was coming, coming long and hard.

Jack was stroking into me, all rhythm lost as thrust madly. He groaned out my name and I felt him coming inside my ass.

He collapsed onto me and I welcomed his weight. I held him and stroked his back while his breathing returned to normal.  
He grabbed me and rolled us until I was on top of him, his hands winding their way through my hair as he kissed me over and over.

“I love you, Daniel,” he told me.

“Love you too. Jack.”

“So, Daniel, what are the chances nobody heard us?” Jack asked, with laughter in his voice.

It was only then I heard the sounds of the funeral feast still going strong.

“It’s okay, Jack. There’s so little privacy here, everyone just kinda learns not to hear anything private.”

“That’s good, Daniel, because it might be a little embarrassing to walk out there just now.”

“You have nothing to worry about, Jack, trust me,” I answered. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the Abydonians were generally very quiet while engaging in sex and when sex did get loud, the people involved were in for some good-natured ribbing.

When Sha’re’s funeral feast came to an end, Kasuf gave us his blessing and permission to leave.

Jack added his promise to mine to continue the search for Skaara and Kasuf promised to get in touch with us if he had need.

We were accompanied to the gate by about two hundred people, most of who said their goodbyes at the entrance of the pyramid.

I dialed up Earth and sent the code as Jack looked around. I grabbed his hand, knowing he was thinking about our first goodbye.

“I never should’ve let you stay, Daniel. Never.”

“What’s done is done, Jack. We can’t change it, we can only live with it.”

Jack brushed his lips against mine, “Damn, Doctor Jackson. I hate it when you’re right.”

Smiling and side by side we entered the wormhole to go back home.

**Author's Note:**

> NSU does not have an Anthropology Department. Much of the Lakota vision quest is secret so I have used elements from various spiritual journeys.


End file.
